life

just some thoughts of mine

I think that it is really sad that by God, we only have one life. That alone makes a person selfish. “I have to maximize my life” or whatever. I’m a really selfish person, it’s been one of my core traits since being born. I hate that about myself. I wish I wanted to do things for other people you know because some people by nature already want to like my Meme, the goat for real im nothing. I think kindness and compassion aren’t very valued; I think it’s hyper glorified at Ole Miss, though. There’s a lot of negativity in the world bro. Like what the actual flipping hell

i been movin calm dont start no trouuuuuuble wit me

I went to my four classes today and they all seem chill and fun and some of them seem hard asfffff.

I had to mention my school at least once

But anywho, yeah I just think it’s kind of sad that we don’t live in a world of friendship and kindness, but rather in one of greed and selfishness. And it just kinda seems like that is what works best for people. It seems like the most successful people or my idea of successful, are not the kindest people.

I’ve been feeling really sick like deep in my stomach. It happens a lot in the morning and I think it’s because I’m stressed or whatever I am. The world is just so depressing bro like there’s so much bad stuff happening, and you’re like “Well there is good stuff sometimes too.” The only thing we know is that we’re going to die and you know actually that sounds like a positive phrase to me. Almost like mind freeing geez louise.

I hate mfs that look at their phone when they walk I hate mfs that say “like” all the time even though I say it too. It’s one of my worst qualities probably. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m pretty selfish. I don’t think about others very often and when I do it’s usually rooted in something that has to do with me. I think that is also probably one of my worst qualities and it also isn’t as funny or funny at all. I care about animals I do stuff for them and I’ll do stuff for my siblings and I don’t think of myself. I guess I’m nice to people like I do stuff for people. I hold the door for people that’s a pretty good quality, probably one of my best. I dont really think about myself when I’m holding the door it’s almost like a habit. Zach said something to me the other day and it was like “dude you were the smartest person in the room since you were 6” and while I appreciated the ego stroke, the sentiment was that that was a bad thing for me. And whether it’s true or not, no way I’ve been in the room with some incredibly smart people (why im trollin😭😭😭😭😭😭😭) But I hate being told no because from my perspective, I’m right. I have the best idea because I’m an evil narcissist. And I kind of think about smart a lot it doesnt really mean anything to anybody except for me. Bro its because my mom showed me my IQ when I was like 10.

short little chess interlude

Like I knew I was smart already I had good grades and I went to chess tournament, got second place to Wyatt Jordan bro what a guy. That dude checkmated me with his rook from his spawn into mine I moved my king into a pocket on the left back part of the board and there was a wall in front of himso he couldn’t escape, I just didn’t see the rook bro. That was fourth grade I’ll never forget that chess board because I lost that loss hurt my soul bro. You know what I don’t remember? I don’t remember how I won the chess tournament the next year. I have no idea. I know I beat Wyatt in the third round and then I think I beat Brad and I beat Cameron Jones second, my dog. That dude is pretty smart he knew keyboard shortcuts in like third grade he made a fidget spinner with like tape and bearings in fourth or fifth. Solid dude that one. But yeah I don’t remember my winning move of the chess tournament but I remember my losing one. I need to share this with someone smarter than me because what does that mean? It means I let the loss sit and take up space and energy because I think it makes me less of a person or ? something like that ? Why am I so fucking negative brooooooo!!!!! What da flip😡😡😡😡😡

So yeah she showed me my IQ and my ego inflated higher than it was and you know I didn’t have the best grades I had a B sometimes and I didn’t have the most friends but maybe this is something I can hold onto where im the Superlative. Is that even what I did though I’m trying to go back into my own subconscious from ten years ago, it’s kind of hard. I don’t know I only gained self awareness like 2.5 years ago I’m way behind. Whatever im so smart than why do i make such stupid decisions like the stupid loser i am😞. But yeah she showed me it, and I started to think I was smarter than adults like teachers and stuff, and my parents and random strangers, and that’s just how I was until like junior year when I stopped being such smug little dickhead. That’s the worst part bro is I would use my smart to make everyone hate me. Trolling I guess???? So after junior year, I tried changing and it’s worked but I just feel like that selfishness and that superiority complex is baked into me. I feel like I’ll never be able to actually get it out of my subconscious.

Im one of one never replicated bc they cant

They tried. Im the only me ever. I wish everyone a good night. Thank you for reading I deadass appreciate it so much bro it means everything to me really to give me your time and attention and its so hard to read things at least for me I have tiktok brain too bad. And my writing is weird and gross and a loser but no for real I love yall its love reading my little words. Really please tell me if you read my thing in real life see how much it means to me. Thanks everyone✌️

What does having a website mean??

It means I am better than you.

Okay im trolling. It means that I obviously feel a need to get my thoughts out there, or maybe it means i really want people to take the things i say seriously. I feel like i say a lot of smart things but i say them in a manner that maybe they arent taken serious.

What the fuck is this kids deal😭??

Im the kid, what is my deal. I really really care what other people think. I dont know how to not really care. I really struggle a lot with self confidence, like deep down I know I love music more than anyone and I know i love sports and know everything about everything and i think i make people happy sometimes. but at the end of the day when its time to go to sleep i can never sit and think about myself and be happy with the person that i am. I have to think about being with other people or hanging out with my friends to even be able to go to sleep. I think i struggle a lot with loneliness and i think i have for a long time. Ive never really felt right around my peers except one person where i felt like “oh you get it”.

I need to write more things of substance and value

I need to write about music and movies in a way that is interesting to read. i learned a lot in my journalism classes about keeping attention and I kinda ignored because “they read for me” or something like that. but the truth is that some of my best friends dont read my shit and maybe its because they clicked on a post and got bored after 10 seconds. i still have over a year of website time left. hopefully i start writing a lot more because i have too many thoughts i feel like im going crazy. thanks guys give me recs of what to write about, give me a topic to research or a movie to analyze or music or something im so bored id love to do something at least semi productive and maybe make someone happy by doing it thanks everyone.

im in pol sci 251 rn

This isn’t even a political science class, it’s a math class. And it pisses me off (Draymond Green reference) because it’s like too simple. It just is a class defining terms like different variables. Why does it matter if I can identify between a ratio variable and an ordinal variable?? I feel like, if anything, I should be taught how to read and understand information. I don’t know, maybe I will learn to see the class for what it is. We don’t talk about politics in here. She doesn’t apply the concepts we learn to real world activities. I can’t use my laptop in this class either, but lowkey I be on it anyways because I’ll just walk out and leave. Actually she’s talking about the State of the Union address but we’re not analyzing it or anything. If ten people answered between 1-10 how much they liked the address, how can we measure those values? Mean, median, and mode. I’m doing mean, median, and mode in my pol sci 251 class. She just said it’s easier to find the mode and median when you put the numbers in order. I wonder if everyone else feels the same. She said I have to put my laptop away, bye. I left in the middle of class because I was bored.

now im in jour 271

We have to pick a beat and he’s basically doing a draft and if I get a bad pick I’m gonna be so mad. We talked about the State of the Union for the first 20 minutes. I was the second pick im the goat everything always works out for me. I chose music, obviously. Actually, letssss fuckingggg gooo im so hype i got music. I literally work at the music factory. But I have like 800 words due Monday morning, and another thing due Friday morning. I’m going to have to lock in on my work and not just lay on the floor looking at my phone for three hours. Actually such a mood lifter bro.

now im in span 111

My Spanish class is so lit. It’s two hours, but never feels that long. The teacher is super helpful, I think he might be one of the best teachers I’ve ever had. I actually feel like I’m learning the language at least a little bit.

now im in my bed

I did my Spanish class and went to work and then went home and did nothing and did some reading and i dont really have anything else to say. but i do usually have a lot to say… just not right now. Hopefully I write more, my thoughts are too awesome to live in my head forever. thank you goat nation

DNA BY DANNY BROWN

“It’s in my DNA, cause my pops like to get fucked up the same way”

DNA is a song where Danny Brown blames his drug addiction on his parents, saying that they liked “to get fucked up the same way”.

My mom had me when she was 22. Her mom had died a few months prior to finding out she was pregnant with me, and when she went to the doctor she told them that she quit drinking, smoking cigarettes, and smoking pot, her mom just died, and the love of her life is in Iraq. Then the doctor said that I was going to die in her belly because of my mom’s stress levels. And they said the best thing to do was smoke a joint once a week. I remember when she told me that I was like “Bruh it’s your fault I’m addicted to the cart bruh” which is obviously not true. I could never blame her for that. And I remember thinking like damn… If moms do drugs while pregnant, that baby already has an addiction to that thing. Newborns have been shown to exhibit withdrawal symptoms of alcohol, cocaine or what have you.

One of my favorite lyrics of the song is

“I don’t smoke an eighth a day, I might end up a mental patient.”

I had my stretch of needing to smoke everyday. When that addiction starts itching you, it’s unlike anything. I used to be so upset that I didn’t have friends, but I would have to remove myself from situations where I was around people because I wanted to go smoke. It was more important to get high than to make friends. I remember there was a day where I just wanted to get high so bad and my cart had run out or something and I went to my house and was looking everywhere for one. In cushions, my mom’s desk, and I could not find one. And you really do feel like a mental patient. You feel anxious and stressed about nothing and that is what the addiction is.

I think my favorite part of this song is the production. DNA is supposed to act as the first song of “Side B” of his record and if you listen to XXX front to back, DNA sounds much different from the songs that preceded it. Danny himself said he thought the album cover was like a vinyl and he wanted to keep that vibe. The whole second half of the album is different, really. When you listen to the song, the instruments just hit heavy.

This song is very important in Danny Brown’s discography

Danny Brown is known for glamorizing drug addiction. I mean the song before DNA is called Adderall Admiral. The first verse glamorizes it. He mentions his “Versace pillowcases”, “Terry cloth bathrobe”, “white wine in flute glass”. He lives a lavish life, even saying, “Every night, like a bachelor party in Sin City.” The second verse is one of my favorite ever. He says, “Perceived as a villain, no sentiment in my sentence / For instance, in instants, they’ll be calling forensics.” He’s saying that everybody just sees him as some drug addict rapping about his drug use and they aren’t respecting him or acknowledging the talent that he has. He’s a “villain” in the rap game. Danny Brown is one of the few artists today that actually seem to be pushing themselves. But anyways, Danny is agreeing with them, admitting that he could die from it. The next four bars is, “If incidents occur, remember these ain’t just words / Go from talking shit to organs preserved / You soft-serve rappers just hide behind your reverb / And even without effects, you’ll end up dessert”. The first two lines are still about himself. He wants to be remembered for the meaning behind the words and not just the words alone. These next two lines are pretty amazing. He’s saying that other rappers in the game are scared to talk about their own struggles and are just “hiding” behind voice effects. He then goes onto to tell them that even if they didn’t have effects, they’re “dessert”. They are sweet and soft just like dessert or just like soft-serve ice cream. And this line is right after he says no one respects him for his talent. I see it Danny.

The End

The end.

Drugs are bad and you will get addicted

I’m not even talking about drugs I’m really only talking about weed. That’s all I’ve ever done. But it changes you and that’s what I’m going to talk about I suppose.

Why Do I Even Smoke at All if it’s so Bad and Addicting

So I have a story but I have to start a while ago. For the longest time I had the same friends and we would do the same things all the time but I loved them and I loved what we did. We would pretty much just play Xbox together but we’ve been doing it for damn near a decade. And then I started making some new friends that were a grade above me. We would go to Bdubs almost every week and just hangout. And they were a lot different than my other friends and really similar too, but I enjoyed hanging out with them; it was like a change of pace for the first time in my life. And so I kind of stopped hanging out with my first friends and that’s my fault, but… they smoked weed a lot. And I didn’t really. I did every now and then but I was really careful about it and I didn’t like the smell, and there was no way I was going to smoke and drive. So after my older friends graduated, I started hanging out with my first friends, and I also started smoking a lot more. They did it, and I guess I just hated being such an outsider from them… I don’t really know. But I got my own weed pen. And I was extremely careful with it. I would keep it hidden in my closet behind my Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, and I would only hit it late at night when my parents were sleeping, and rarely on school nights. But as time goes on, and you start hitting it a little more, you become complacent. I HATE COMPLACENCY IT IS THE WORST THING TO BE!!! I started breaking the laws I set for myself. I lost my discipline. I would hit it before tennis practice, before working the concession stand… Too much. More than I needed to. But I enjoyed it. “Why not get high real quick?” Then I started hitting it too much. I developed a cough that would hit me almost every day in first period. I woke up and I felt like shit. And I would tell myself, “Alright, no pen today because my tummy hurts,” well… I mean…. that obviously did not work.

Being Addicted to the Cart is Not Ideal

The thing with the cart is that when you first get it, it’s the best it’ll ever be. The more you do it the worse it gets, but the more you do it, the more you want it. It’s a really fucked up scenario to be honest. It tricks you. No wonder they call it the Devil’s Lettuce. But over the summer before college, I didn’t have one. I refused to buy one because they’re so terrible… but my mother had one. Now my mother is not a cart fein; she is in fact, a super lightweight. And me, being evil, would steal it at night. And I would hit and then go put it back. And previously I knew I had a problem with addiction but I really knew it, when one day the cart wasn’t there. And it was all I wanted like what the freak Mom. Anywho, so I realized I needed to quit. Then I got to school and immediately bought a cart. I would hit it before my 9AM and it would wear off by the time I got to class. And then my cart store got raided. To be honest, I’d probably still be doing it if Slackers never closed. So, shoutout the police for making Slackers close.

New, Less Evil Beginnings

So the cart store closed, and I hated it anyways, so I decided I was going to start smoking real weed by myself at school. I found a plug, and bought a pipe and I would smoke weed too often. Every day for like a month straight. And it made me lazy and antisocial. I would eat in my room, or eat outside with my headphones on… I always had my headphones on. It just wasn’t great. Smoking by myself all the time for why?? My excuse was that I wanted to get better at smoking weed, because really I had no idea what I was doing, and I really did want the experience. So I came home for Thanksgiving break, and I was smoking every day. Then, my uprise came. All the time I was smoking in my bathroom was because I didn’t have a roommate, but after break, I did. Where was I going to smoke? So I started smoking in my car, and I would get so stressed out being in my car, like I was definitely going to get caught. Then Christmas break came, and I got another cart which caused me to stop smoking weed so much; I mean I can hit the cart in my bed, I can’t smoke a blunt in my bed. Well, when school started up again, I threw away the cart, and had no weed… so it was pretty easy to get back on track.

me right now

I don’t smoke every day. I don’t even really have the desire to smoke anymore. Obviously, I do sometimes. Now it’s Sunday. And I smoked on Thursday night at like 1 AM even though I had a 9AM (evil of me) and I smoked Friday but I had been drinking and boy oh boy do I love to smoke when I’ve been drinking. The point is that I don’t smoke every day. I could’ve smoked today and I didn’t. And I like to imagine that I’ve beat the addiction. Probably not… it will probably get me again some time. But I’m very comfortable with my bad habits now.

What is the moral of the story

I don’t want this to scare anybody from smoking weed. I just wanted to share my experience and give a caution so maybe somebody doesn’t make the same mistakes I made. There’s a lot of really good parts about drugs too. Just know the situation you’re in. I would tell myself, I’m not addicted, but anyone who says weed isn’t addicting is a weirdo clown that truly needs help. Don’t start smoking for no reason like me… If you are stressed out, cool smoke. If you’ve been drinking and you just want to get lit, cool smoke. Don’t smoke because you are bored in your dorm room. Go make a friend or make a TikTok edit or something. No matter what you do stay safe. If you feel like you have a problem, you probably do, and you should reach out to someone. I mean you could even reach out to me as a former, recovering, and probably future weed addict LMAOOOOO. For real though, throw the cart away, and if you think you might smoke too much, just try and go two days without it, only to prove to yourself that you can. Good luck guys, and happy smoking.